Friday, May 8, 2015

Sigh. I'm just a small part of his past.

I know very well that I am not qualified to be there. I should not be there. But.. I felt I should be there. 
Thanks to Alicia, I had an excuse to go.

Was too early so I wandered to the Teochew Mui stall that we used to patronize together.

Wasn't hungry but I missed the taste.. Perhaps, even more so, the memories.

Usually we would order the duck meat too. But not today. I couldn't possibly finish all on my own.

Was eating porridge with the bak chor that he liked.. And remembering how I would pick out all the black beans because he said he didn't like to eat them. Memories..


Stood beside Auntie while they were performing the final rituals.. There was nothing I could do. 
Looking at his gf, I could only remind myself.. I am not his gf anymore. Know my limits and don't step outta line! 

Took a last look at him. And another.. And another. He felt like a stranger. No, he is not the same guy in my memories. Yet.. How to explain that ache in my heart, lump at my throat and the tears that kept flowing? Self denial again? Ha.

Accompanied Auntie.. Don't know what else I can do. I think he would have wanted someone to accompany his mum. Besides, Alicia and the others were with him. He didn't need me there.

Time seemed to pass by every fast.

Finally left..

Reached home and felt so drained even though I did nothing. Dozed off and the next thing I knew, it was night time already. And once again disappointed because I didn't dream of him.


Went out to get dinner.. Only to realize I didn't know what to eat. Passed by MacDonald's and decided to eat something that reminded me of him.


Remembered that one rare time when he removed the bones and fed me. One of the rare times he would do something like this. (Usually it's always me feeding him so that his hands wouldn't get dirty or so that he could have both hands free to play games.)

Wondering again if he would perhaps visit me in my dreams later at night.

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