Every little memory counts..

Alicia was telling me that his mum mentioned something which she thought I might like to know.

I've already forgotten about it and yet he still remembered.. Silly boy.

Just the thought of him eating the bread even though he was in discomfort.. Makes me tear every time I think of it. 

你这个笨蛋!! :'(

As much as I hate to admit it.. I am really very envious of his gf. She had the chance to accompany him during his remaining days.. I wish I could have him to myself for a day.. an hour or even just a minute.

Hope the memories he had of me had brought him happiness instead of sadness.. And that they were enough to ease some of the pains he felt..

---

Just knowing that he still cared for me even after all these years.. Is good enough. 

I'd stopped expecting anything from him long ago.

It's just that what I've been told by his mum and Alicia versus his words and actions..
So different! I don't dare to believe.. 

I really don't understand..

Isn't he happily attached for years?

Isn't he happy without me for years?

Isn't she his girlfriend and one of the 3 most important women in his life?

Isn't he going to marry her?

Why would he still do / say the things he did to his mum and Alicia.. Related to me. 

Me? Why me?

Until now I still find it hard to believe. Are they mistaken? 

Did I imagine that myself? Am I delusional? 自作多情?

Whenever I hear the things he did / say.. I feel sad to cause him unpleasant feelings towards his remaining days.

But what can I do? 

He didn't give me the chance.

He didn't give me the right to.

Away at Malacca

Was wondering.. What if he wanted to find me but couldn't because I am not in Singapore?

Ha. Thinking crazy thoughts again.

Wondered if he did visit me.. What would I say? Knowing myself, I would prolly just cry and unable to talk much.

Anyway, I guess the trip came at the right time. Really helped to take my mind off him for a while. 

(Will blog about the trip later!)

---

Happened to see this and decided to get some for Auntie. 

Lovely scent! I always love lavender!

Then I saw this and thought of him again..

If only I knew about it earlier.. I would have asked my colleagues for advice! 

Both are nutritionists. One is a future sinseh and the other one is an ex nurse.

If only I knew about the things I only know now.. I would give him all the love that I've hidden deep inside my heart and be constantly there to fight the cancer with him. Not expecting anything in return.

千金难买早知道。

Kept telling myself not to blame myself. He didn't want me to know. I did ask Poh about his condition a few months back but he acted blur and refused to say more. Obviously I am not supposed to be told.. Okay, I respected his decision. And I assumed that he was okay. Maybe THAT was my mistake.

Perhaps we were destined to end up like this. 接受吧!

Sigh. I'm just a small part of his past.

I know very well that I am not qualified to be there. I should not be there. But.. I felt I should be there. 

Thanks to Alicia, I had an excuse to go.

Was too early so I wandered to the Teochew Mui stall that we used to patronize together.

Wasn't hungry but I missed the taste.. Perhaps, even more so, the memories.

Usually we would order the duck meat too. But not today. I couldn't possibly finish all on my own.

Was eating porridge with the bak chor that he liked.. And remembering how I would pick out all the black beans because he said he didn't like to eat them. Memories..

---

Stood beside Auntie while they were performing the final rituals.. There was nothing I could do. 

Looking at his gf, I could only remind myself.. I am not his gf anymore. Know my limits and don't step outta line! 

Took a last look at him. And another.. And another. He felt like a stranger. No, he is not the same guy in my memories. Yet.. How to explain that ache in my heart, lump at my throat and the tears that kept flowing? Self denial again? Ha.

Accompanied Auntie.. Don't know what else I can do. I think he would have wanted someone to accompany his mum. Besides, Alicia and the others were with him. He didn't need me there.

Time seemed to pass by every fast.

Finally left..

Reached home and felt so drained even though I did nothing. Dozed off and the next thing I knew, it was night time already. And once again disappointed because I didn't dream of him.

---

Went out to get dinner.. Only to realize I didn't know what to eat. Passed by MacDonald's and decided to eat something that reminded me of him.

McWings!

Remembered that one rare time when he removed the bones and fed me. One of the rare times he would do something like this. (Usually it's always me feeding him so that his hands wouldn't get dirty or so that he could have both hands free to play games.)

Wondering again if he would perhaps visit me in my dreams later at night.

债主, 我来看你了。

去见他了。

在一旁坐了很久

脑袋其实空空的

眼泪却一直流..

Sigh. 

明明什么也不是

为什么还要难过

我.. 凭什么?

记忆中的他 .. 高高的。

棺材却看起来小小的。

真的是他躺在里面吗?

Auntie牵着我的手

带我去到他的面前

说是完成他的心愿。

他看起来睡得很安详。

从来没见他这么平静。

感觉得到.. 现在的他是快乐的。

Auntie真的很勇敢。

可是.. 为什么她要这么累..

真的很令人心疼她。

希望以后的她会过得好好的。

---

亲爱的债主啊..

我前世一定是做了很多对不起你的事。

所以今生我要为你尝尽苦头。

欠你的债.. 应该连本带利都还清了吧?

曾经想过.. 就算不是前世欠你的..

即使你伤害过我, 我也不想你遭受因果。

可是你怎么还是这么早走了..

离开你才3年.. 为什么会变成这样..

我对你已经没有责备.. 更没有怨恨(太难了)。

只有一点小小的可惜吧。

可是.. 我也很清楚..

我不是一个能让你想安分过日子的人。
你也不是可以给我一个安定生活的人。

虽然爱得很苦, 失去了很多..

但我们也曾经很甜蜜, 很幸福过。

所以.. 在你短暂的生命里..

还是很开心我们曾经一起手牵手, 走过一段路。

Time to snap out of it!

Was thrown into a turmoil since the fateful day when Alicia told me the news.

For the past few days, I felt like I was transported back in time. To that miserable time when I was his and yet I wasn't his. It's as if I was experiencing the breakup all over again. Yesterday I listened to The Songs that had special meanings or memories.. Or those that he used to sing. And tears just automatically flow.

For the past few days, I was that stupid, naive, worthless Pris from 3 years ago again.

---

Read through his previous tweets last night with the intention of recalling more sweet memories to add on to my dedicated blog post to him.. But I ended up recalling why I decided to leave him for good. Immediately the "spell" was broken and I reverted to the current me again.

I never thought I would be grateful for the nasty things he did to me in the past.. 

The very same things that caused me great heartache and misery actually turn out to be my saviour now!

Life is simply profound, isn't it?

What's good may turn out to be bad.

And vice versa.

---

So now, the current (cold-hearted?) Pris is back and free from grieve.

Regained the control of my emotions and life.
I think?

Well still, it felt kinda nice (in a way) to actually have feelings again. I guess.

---

Special thanks to friends who showed concern for me these days. It was really unexpected and I am really touched. For some, we haven't been in contact at all. But yet they bothered to message me and asked if I'm okay.

Feeling so blessed by how each and everyone show their concern for me in different ways. ♥

Just some examples..

N: Hang in there girl.. *Hugs* (Plus a lot of sound advice.)

G: Anything I can do to help?

P: Do you need a hug?

K: Just ignore them and no need to reply. If they want to know, they can just go to his wake.

E: Do you need me to accompany you to his wake?

A: Nuna u alright?

C: Jiejie you feeling okay?

And of course, some others like my animal buddy.. I may not mention all of you, but you know who you are!

The Most Unusual Comforting Tactic Award (if there is one) would surely goes to L.

L: 姐姐。你前男友卖咸鸭蛋了

His method is so creative indeed. At first I thought he was gloating over his death.. But eventually I realized he was just checking on me to see if I'm taking the news well and trying to comfort me by reminding what he was like so I need not feel too sad over his death.

I really like him (only as a friend lah) because he's very real and frank. And despite his ah beng-ish appearance (haha!) and his seemingly crude remarks, he is actually a very caring person. Which he is too prolly too proud to admit. 谢啦.. :)

---

Thank you, everyone.. I'm okay already. I think?

At least now I feel more confident that I can attend his wake without breaking down. As of now lah!
No more surprises please!

The dead's already gone. To me, I think the living ones who have been left behind are more important.
I hope auntie is coping well with her loss..

---

After this incident, I am absolutely convinced that my belief is correct.

When I love someone, I go all out to love him. No matter how stupid and crazy I may seem.
Which is why, I have no regret when I knew he was dying or even after he's gone.
Not even when I was told that he actually still remembers me after all these years.
(Or perhaps I still find it hard to believe.. Self denial? I don't know.)

I will apply these beliefs to everyone who matter to me so that I can die with no regrets when my time is up. Hopefully.

Almost forgot..

..how much I can (could?) love a person. 

Unexpectedly, I still shed some tears for him every now and then.. Ever since I knew about his condition. 

It actually hurts me quite a lot. 

So I must say, thankfully we broke up at least 3 years ago. Otherwise, I may seriously die from a broken heart.

Still in the midst of digging up old memories from my old blog to write a special blog post regarding the happy memories of us. Surprisingly, there are quite a lot.. The draft is getting so long.. Maybe I should post in separate parts.

Recalled many things that I've forgotten. Unexpectedly, it has been quite therapeutic for me.

Did you sing that song for any others too?

The one that you said you only sing for the one you really loves?

Keep wondering that but at the same time, keep reminding myself that it is over.

---

Was kinda expecting his spirit to come and find me these few nights.

Woke up in the mornings and feeling surprised that I didn't dream of him.

I'm crazy, I know. 

Was even thinking, maybe he needs to do some "registration" in the other side. That's why he can't come and find me yet. Wah kao, 我真的是疯了。神经病!

(我想能陪我一起疯的也只有他了吧?)

Didn't he say he love me most? Didn't he feel regrets towards me? Can't he just tell me himself? Why didn't he tell me himself? Why must he leave me with so many new questions. I've been having headache these days just from over-thinking. And swollen eyes too, ha!

3年前, 你一直弄我哭.. 3年后, 你还是一直弄我哭!

真的是彻彻底底地败给你了。

Still deciding if I should go to his funeral wake..

你要我去吗?

你在那里吗?

你在等我吗?

可是我不想看到这样的你.. 怎么办?

该死的眼泪! 可以不要一直流吗..

Until today, I still find it so unbelievable that he has left. Self denial?

Come What May.

"When my time comes 
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some 
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory 
Leave out all the rest."
(Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park)

This is what he always put in his profile. So I guess this is what he would have wanted.