Random Thoughts

And It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Previously, a 14-year-old boy committed suicide by jumping off his block.

I understood why he did that but I had forgotten how he felt.

Until last Saturday, I remembered that feeling.

It was triggered by a very trivial matter.
At least it is trivial to me NOW, after I've calmed down.

But at that point in time, it was enough to push me off the edge.

Like, literally.

I remembered glancing over and thinking that jumping down isn't that scary.
But problem is, was it high enough to die from this height?
(When I am at my normal self, I am scared of heights, by the way.)

But

I Will Not Kill Myself

Never will.

This is because I firmly believe that it's a test for me to overcome.
Committing suicide is like submitting an incomplete answer sheet and leaving the exam hall before the time is up.

No way. I am NOT giving up without a fight.
I am not going to "repeat this module". I don't want to relive this kind of life again.
I am going to pass this and move on to the next lesson in life!

Thank God for the Hopes

While I was feeling unwanted and worthless.. Friends offer concern to me.
I needed that.

Thank you everyone! May God bless you all.

My Most Desired Wish

My last "dramatic" post before I ended my emotional outburst in Facebook was this.

Still feel a bit emotional when I re-read what I wrote now.

Especially the last part.

I really, really wish to have some love and family warmth someday.

But oh well.

Even if I can't be born into a loving family..

Even if I don't have the luck to find the right guy to create my own loving family with..

I can always count on little furry angels to form a loving family with me.

 

(Mocha may be not in this world physically anymore but she is always in my heart.

My house will always reserve a place for her!)

Thank you to my furry family who have always been there for me all these years.

(Except Fluffy who just came into my life last year.)

I love you all and I always will. ♥♥♥

Happy Birthday to Elise!

Was digging out photos to do this collage for her..

And realised that we have known each other for more than 8 years!

(Fortunately, we don't age much. Heh!)

Time really flies.

We clicked.

We argued.

We made up.

We argued again.

We parted.

We found each other again.

But I guess we never really left each other. 

Haha!

Cheers to a long friendship~

May she remains happy and healthy always!

人为什么结婚？

越来越不明白“婚姻”到底是什么。看着身旁的朋友们接了又离.. 有些甚至很快就找到另外一半。
他们曾经许下的承诺算什么呢？结婚时说的那些.. 只是在演戏给大家看吗？拍完就忘了吗？

连Selina和曾经对她不离不弃的阿中都离婚了。天啊！太惊讶了！

现在的我还是比较喜欢单身。自由自在，无忧无虑, no drama! 不用照顾别人! 不用老是生气.. Haha!
(难怪神仙不能谈恋爱~)

每次都有人问..

X: 你几岁

我: 34 (as of this year, haha)

X: 结婚了吗?

我: 没有

X: 那你有男朋友吗?

我: 没有

X: *用怜悯的表情看着我* 哦.. 放心, 你迟早会有的..

Or worse:

X: 你错了。你有问题。对付男人, 你应该要这样..

什么跟什么嘛?? 我真的，真的很喜欢现在的人生。管好自己的感情吧。

你们的烦恼肯定比我的多，好吗! 

(我要找的是一个 lifelong partner.. 不是一直听话的狗! 就连我养的狗都被我尊重，好吗! )

Clouds.

Was making my way home after visiting a client's place. 

Saw this lovely scene and quickly snapped a picture!

Suddenly remember how I used to take photos like this all the time in the past. 

How long have I forgotten to look up and admire God's amazing artwork in the sky.. :)

Message from Above?

Just blogged yesterday and today I chanced upon this!

Dear God, is that a sign that I am on the right track? :)

Finally Free

The whole world said I am bad (too lazy to elaborate) and I believed so. 

I tried to please them, to live up to their expectations but I always failed. 

I was never good enough. Perhaps I was just useless, like they said. 

Finally I realized I was wrong. 

Not the whole world feel that way about me, but just some people who meant the world to me. 

Key word: Meant. Past tense. 

I just have to find a whole new world filled with people who truly care about me. 

Thanks to all those who love me and my everything, be it the good or the bad. 

You help me break out of that "prison" and let me regain some self confidence to see the truth and accept reality. 

Memories of your kindness to me always protect my heart whenever "my previous world" attacks me.
Because of you, I am stronger.

Not going to transform overnight but today is going to be a great start!
(I just hope my heart won't soften again. No more!)

---

有时很想问。

为什么你总是不高兴？

世界欠了你什么？

我又欠了你什么？

我是没法让你满意了。

也不在乎你怎么想了。

你想怎样就怎样吧。

不和你一起闹了。

我真的累了。

我想要活的开心啊～

Enough is enough.

(This is not a poem but I just felt like writing it in this way.)

Once upon a time

There was a silly little girl

Who loved her family a lot

She would over-think

And think way way ahead

That one day her parents would die

And then her sisters

Or maybe she will die first

Everyone has to die eventually

No matter who dies first

They will all be separated eventually

Every time she thought of that

She would cry secretly

She hoped that the family can die together

So that they can always be together

(When I was young, I watched 富貴開心鬼. 

I was so envious because the whole family died together and they could go to the other world together.)

Back to the story..

The silly girl finally died

The End.

---

It's been many years and my heart never really revive.

In fact, it died more and more thoroughly each time some shit happens. Ha.

---

After yet another incident, I think I really have enough.

I don't have any hope for them anymore.

From helpless.. To despair.. To being cold.. And eventually, Oblivious. 

Haha, I'm free now. :)

Came across this today..

Sometimes I asked God

"Why? Why can't I have a loving family?"

Not born with one and unable to create my own because I never find a worthy good guy.

No matter how hard I tried.

And yet others who take everything for granted are blessed with good families and lovers.

Why, God, why?

But nonetheless I'm still grateful.

Because I have Cookie and Fluffy now!

And Mocha! She may have left us physically but she is still in my heart.

Thank you God.

Was chatting with Elise the other day

And she reminded me: We will be 34 this year!

Finally I can have my own place soon!

So looking forward to living ON MY OWN!

My future house shall be a place full of love, peace and positive vibes.