RIP, Jonghyun

When I heard of the news of Jonghyun's suicidal, my thought was, “Why?” 

Thank you Jonghyun, for leaving the letter and asking his friend to show it to the world. His final words gave me a glimpse of the inner thoughts of a depressed and suicidal person. 

Hopefully I won’t have any friends who need me to pull him/her back but with better understanding, perhaps I stand a higher chance of saving someone in need if the need ever arises.

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It’s pretty traumatic when someone around you commit suicide. Even if you weren’t close with the person. One day you realized you won’t see him/her ever again. And you blame yourself for not noticing, not doing anything to help while he/she had been suffering all these while.. All the what-ifs..

It’s been years since I received The Call from A's family informing that he had passed away. He had MIA-ed from work for a few days and not responding to our calls and msgs. It was an awful shock to me when I finally realized why. 

He was middle-aged, still pretty young. His health was okay. He was always joking around with everyone. I remember there was this time when he noticed that our receptionist was quieter than usual and asking me, "Is she okay?" Then he tried to crack some jokes to cheer her up.

How would someone like him be.. Not okay??

Little did we know.. Deep inside, he was depressed and stressed. He hid it well and none of us realized it. He had planned in advance. After he got his pay, he distributed all his money. He had even cleared out his stuff in office.. :(

For a long time, I blamed myself. I felt that we could have saved him. If only we joke with him more, show more concern for him, smile to him more often.. Maybe he would not bear to leave like that.. In that way. Maybe he would see that it's not totally hopeless yet..

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So is death really what you thought it is?

Are you guys happier now?