A nice dream

Well, I finally dreamed of him. A little. But it was kinda vague so I don't think it's a visitation dream.
But it does make me feel better now. 

Can't remember the details. 

Only remember that I felt sad.

He was around somewhere but keeping his distance. 

Not complaining about that because my beloved Mocha darling was right before my eyes! 

In my dream, I was hugging her and stroking her constantly.

I miss you so much, sweet girl.. :')

Are you still waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge?

Somehow I got the feeling that he brought her here to comfort me because he knows I've been sad.

Maybe it's just my auto healing mechanism at work.

But if it's really you.. Thank you. :)

Conflicting Thoughts

Woes of a Libra, I guess? Over-think too much and to make it worse, my thoughts are so conflicting and ever-changing.

Seriously, what are my real thoughts? Even I myself is confused..

It's better that he passed on peacefully.

Why did he have to go? I don't want him to go!

I don't love him anymore.

But yet the things that I am still willing to do for him..

I don't care about him anymore. (Plus loads of similar I-don't-care remarks.)

*Keep listening to The Songs and tearing.* 
*Keep thinking of him.* 
*Keep posting stuff about him.* 
*Keep feeling upset when his "friends" seem unaffected about his death.* 
*Keep replaying the videos just to hear his voice.* 
*Keep denying that he's already gone.* 
*Keep expecting to see his spirit somewhere or in my dreams.* 
*Keep getting disappointed when I don't see him.* 
*Keep waiting for his last words to me.. Directly from him and not from his mum or Alicia.* 
*Keep blaming him for leaving and expecting him to come and argue back with me.. Like he used to.* 
*Keep thinking about all the what-ifs and if-onlys.*

Even I wanna tell myself this.. Siao ah! Snap out of it leh!

How long do I want to stay this way??

Life goes on. Time to keep moving..

Separations are always so hard to get over.. Especially when we don't know when we will ever meet again.

Every little memory counts..

Alicia was telling me that his mum mentioned something which she thought I might like to know.

I've already forgotten about it and yet he still remembered.. Silly boy.

Just the thought of him eating the bread even though he was in discomfort.. Makes me tear every time I think of it. 

你这个笨蛋!! :'(

As much as I hate to admit it.. I am really very envious of his gf. She had the chance to accompany him during his remaining days.. I wish I could have him to myself for a day.. an hour or even just a minute.

Hope the memories he had of me had brought him happiness instead of sadness.. And that they were enough to ease some of the pains he felt..

---

Just knowing that he still cared for me even after all these years.. Is good enough. 

I'd stopped expecting anything from him long ago.

It's just that what I've been told by his mum and Alicia versus his words and actions..
So different! I don't dare to believe.. 

I really don't understand..

Isn't he happily attached for years?

Isn't he happy without me for years?

Isn't she his girlfriend and one of the 3 most important women in his life?

Isn't he going to marry her?

Why would he still do / say the things he did to his mum and Alicia.. Related to me. 

Me? Why me?

Until now I still find it hard to believe. Are they mistaken? 

Did I imagine that myself? Am I delusional? 自作多情?

Whenever I hear the things he did / say.. I feel sad to cause him unpleasant feelings towards his remaining days.

But what can I do? 

He didn't give me the chance.

He didn't give me the right to.

Away at Malacca

Was wondering.. What if he wanted to find me but couldn't because I am not in Singapore?

Ha. Thinking crazy thoughts again.

Wondered if he did visit me.. What would I say? Knowing myself, I would prolly just cry and unable to talk much.

Anyway, I guess the trip came at the right time. Really helped to take my mind off him for a while. 

(Will blog about the trip later!)

---

Happened to see this and decided to get some for Auntie. 

Lovely scent! I always love lavender!

Then I saw this and thought of him again..

If only I knew about it earlier.. I would have asked my colleagues for advice! 

Both are nutritionists. One is a future sinseh and the other one is an ex nurse.

If only I knew about the things I only know now.. I would give him all the love that I've hidden deep inside my heart and be constantly there to fight the cancer with him. Not expecting anything in return.

千金难买早知道。

Kept telling myself not to blame myself. He didn't want me to know. I did ask Poh about his condition a few months back but he acted blur and refused to say more. Obviously I am not supposed to be told.. Okay, I respected his decision. And I assumed that he was okay. Maybe THAT was my mistake.

Perhaps we were destined to end up like this. 接受吧!

Sigh. I'm just a small part of his past.

I know very well that I am not qualified to be there. I should not be there. But.. I felt I should be there. 

Thanks to Alicia, I had an excuse to go.

Was too early so I wandered to the Teochew Mui stall that we used to patronize together.

Wasn't hungry but I missed the taste.. Perhaps, even more so, the memories.

Usually we would order the duck meat too. But not today. I couldn't possibly finish all on my own.

Was eating porridge with the bak chor that he liked.. And remembering how I would pick out all the black beans because he said he didn't like to eat them. Memories..

---

Stood beside Auntie while they were performing the final rituals.. There was nothing I could do. 

Looking at his gf, I could only remind myself.. I am not his gf anymore. Know my limits and don't step outta line! 

Took a last look at him. And another.. And another. He felt like a stranger. No, he is not the same guy in my memories. Yet.. How to explain that ache in my heart, lump at my throat and the tears that kept flowing? Self denial again? Ha.

Accompanied Auntie.. Don't know what else I can do. I think he would have wanted someone to accompany his mum. Besides, Alicia and the others were with him. He didn't need me there.

Time seemed to pass by every fast.

Finally left..

Reached home and felt so drained even though I did nothing. Dozed off and the next thing I knew, it was night time already. And once again disappointed because I didn't dream of him.

---

Went out to get dinner.. Only to realize I didn't know what to eat. Passed by MacDonald's and decided to eat something that reminded me of him.

McWings!

Remembered that one rare time when he removed the bones and fed me. One of the rare times he would do something like this. (Usually it's always me feeding him so that his hands wouldn't get dirty or so that he could have both hands free to play games.)

Wondering again if he would perhaps visit me in my dreams later at night.

债主, 我来看你了。

去见他了。

在一旁坐了很久

脑袋其实空空的

眼泪却一直流..

Sigh. 

明明什么也不是

为什么还要难过

我.. 凭什么?

记忆中的他 .. 高高的。

棺材却看起来小小的。

真的是他躺在里面吗?

Auntie牵着我的手

带我去到他的面前

说是完成他的心愿。

他看起来睡得很安详。

从来没见他这么平静。

感觉得到.. 现在的他是快乐的。

Auntie真的很勇敢。

可是.. 为什么她要这么累..

真的很令人心疼她。

希望以后的她会过得好好的。

---

亲爱的债主啊..

我前世一定是做了很多对不起你的事。

所以今生我要为你尝尽苦头。

欠你的债.. 应该连本带利都还清了吧?

曾经想过.. 就算不是前世欠你的..

即使你伤害过我, 我也不想你遭受因果。

可是你怎么还是这么早走了..

离开你才3年.. 为什么会变成这样..

我对你已经没有责备.. 更没有怨恨(太难了)。

只有一点小小的可惜吧。

可是.. 我也很清楚..

我不是一个能让你想安分过日子的人。
你也不是可以给我一个安定生活的人。

虽然爱得很苦, 失去了很多..

但我们也曾经很甜蜜, 很幸福过。

所以.. 在你短暂的生命里..

还是很开心我们曾经一起手牵手, 走过一段路。

Almost forgot..

..how much I can (could?) love a person. 

Unexpectedly, I still shed some tears for him every now and then.. Ever since I knew about his condition. 

It actually hurts me quite a lot. 

So I must say, thankfully we broke up at least 3 years ago. Otherwise, I may seriously die from a broken heart.

Still in the midst of digging up old memories from my old blog to write a special blog post regarding the happy memories of us. Surprisingly, there are quite a lot.. The draft is getting so long.. Maybe I should post in separate parts.

Recalled many things that I've forgotten. Unexpectedly, it has been quite therapeutic for me.

Did you sing that song for any others too?

The one that you said you only sing for the one you really loves?

Keep wondering that but at the same time, keep reminding myself that it is over.

---

Was kinda expecting his spirit to come and find me these few nights.

Woke up in the mornings and feeling surprised that I didn't dream of him.

I'm crazy, I know. 

Was even thinking, maybe he needs to do some "registration" in the other side. That's why he can't come and find me yet. Wah kao, 我真的是疯了。神经病!

(我想能陪我一起疯的也只有他了吧?)

Didn't he say he love me most? Didn't he feel regrets towards me? Can't he just tell me himself? Why didn't he tell me himself? Why must he leave me with so many new questions. I've been having headache these days just from over-thinking. And swollen eyes too, ha!

3年前, 你一直弄我哭.. 3年后, 你还是一直弄我哭!

真的是彻彻底底地败给你了。

Still deciding if I should go to his funeral wake..

你要我去吗?

你在那里吗?

你在等我吗?

可是我不想看到这样的你.. 怎么办?

该死的眼泪! 可以不要一直流吗..

Until today, I still find it so unbelievable that he has left. Self denial?

Come What May.

"When my time comes 
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some 
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory 
Leave out all the rest."
(Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park)

This is what he always put in his profile. So I guess this is what he would have wanted.